There are a few reasons people self-sabotage and this is a huge topic to cover. In this article I will go over the most common reasons and what you can do about them. Being aware of your behaviour is often enough to help you change it.
If the benefit of the outcome of the self-sabotage outweighs the benefit of changing then you will continue to self-sabotage. One of the most popular scenarios where this is true is a friendship group. You may find yourself self-sabotaging every time you are with a particular friend or group. The benefit of the self-sabotage, may be to fit in with your friendship group, by indulging in processed food or drinking excessively or whatever the self-sabotage behaviour may be. The benefit of changing may be to be healthier. But if you fear that being healthier will mean you won’t have those friends, then you won’t change, no matter how much you want it. Look at the benefit of the self-sabotage and see if you can get the benefit without the sabotage. For example, you may arrange to go out for a coffee with those friends instead of dinner, or go out for drinks but you simply choose mineral water instead of alcohol. It’s not about the food or drinks, it’s about the relationships.
If you are trying to change but have no idea what success will look like when you achieve it, you may be daunted by this unknown, and as such, sabotage yourself to avoid the unknown. The unknown can be very scary for some. Identify what success will look like for you when you get there. Be specific. What will you look like? What will you wear? Who will you be with? How will you feel? What will your office look like? Etc. Detail as much as you, depending on the success you are striving for. Once you have a pretty good idea about what your life will be like as a success in what you are striving towards, you will be less likely to sabotage.
Fear of being judged is a huge reason why people self-sabotage. As much as they would like to succeed they also worry about how their peers are going to perceive them and so often hold themselves back. Especially if the peers are not very encouraging and supportive. You may choose to limit your exposure to those peers if you find this is true for you. Alternatively you can reassure them that you are still the same person in the core, that you still care for them the same, even if you look a bit different now or drive a different car, or live in a different area. People often judge because of their own insecurities and fear of losing the bond they had with you.
The last big one is fear of missing out, otherwise known as FOMO. Often people will sacrifice their goals and self-sabotage because they fear they are going to miss out on something. If this applies to you, you need to determine how can you be part of something important to you without the self-sabotage, such as the example earlier of joining your friends for coffee instead of dinner, or perhaps determining which sacrifice is more important to you. If you can’t have the best of both worlds, which is more important and why? When you determine this, you will either stop self-sabotaging or you will realise your goal may not be as important to you as you first thought, in which case you can now stop beating yourself up about it. There’s nothing wrong with ditching a goal and setting a different one.
– Coach Terri
